“The hunger for love
is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread.”
~ Mother Teresa ~
Early one morning, talking with my husband, I ask the question, “Well, we’re almost finished. What will we do next?”
Because what do you do when you know there are countless children just waiting for love.
This time, a month ago, our journey to forever ended and the real forever began as we finalized our adoption of two kiddos. Making our family a fun family of eight! It seems as though, this is just the way it’s always been. Them and us- us and them.
It’s funny how God can talk to you through so many things- even something as little as adoption paperwork. There are hundreds upon hundreds (ok, it seems that way– 🙂 ) pieces of paper associated with adoption but I have two I treasure most.
One, the document showing change of name. Now they carry a bit of us– it feels like the perfect adoption story. So many times God gives a new name to a new person- such as Saul. A sign of new life, new purpose; a new calling. A piece of Him. They have a piece of us now- living new names, Ashley and Triston.
Then the words that tip toe into my heart right from the closure of a letter from our attorney. “as an adoptive parent and one of fifteen children, thirteen whom where adopted, I commend you on your decision… ”
Thirteen? Our attorney has thirteen adopted siblings?
i gulp big.
If someone asked the question, ‘what have you learned most during this process’ my answer would simply be:
I have never felt of God as my father. Strange, considering I grew up without a father; you would think that was the void God had filled. But for me, God has always been a friend. Someone I could talk to, argue with, get mad at, laugh with, cry with, and learn from.
A few weeks back I felt like I needed to start asking God to help me see myself the way HE sees me. As a daughter. Seeing myself as a treasured daughter, loved beyond compare, no matter what– has left me overwhelmed. My mind simply unable to comprehend how Jesus loves so deeply.
What if, He knew how badly I needed Him- His love, His grace, His fathering touch, His friendship; and yet He just turned away. What if He had said, “I don’t have a big enough house, or enough bedrooms. I don’t have any more time in my day, or money in the bank. I don’t have enough seats in my car or showers in my house. In fact, I have so many crazy kids already, I just don’t think I have the patience for one more.”
If I knew He was aware of my need for love and yet chose to do nothing- leaving me alone, without any true hope of forever love… orphaned. I wonder how empty I would feel.
I am full because Jesus fills me. =) And even now, just thinking of His outpouring grace for someone like me, fills my heart with gladness and my eyes with tears.
Most days, I feel like I’m getting it all wrong and these two kids would be better off away from crazy me. In fact, some days I feel like they should just take the other four with them because I can’t be doing any of them any good. But that is when my knees give out and my heart finds surrender because Jesus just has to love through crazy, broken, messy me.
Isn’t it true? It seems the more I try to understand how he could ever use a wretch like me- the more he keeps on showing me- that’s exactly what he’s doing. Working through me because I simply can do nothing but provide a heart of surrender and feet to follow.
Oh, how hard that can be, huh?
I know a day will come when some of you will have your Ashely or Triston and I can’t WaiT to ReJoiCe with you! They will finally be full because Jesus will have loved through you.
Oh, I can’t imagine our Saviors joy and the singing of angels upon a decision to care for the one of our Shepherds little lost, broken, and hurting sheep- just waiting for forever.
one. two. or maybe even- thirteen.
photo courtesy of callynth photography
Oh happy day.